Not the Only Ship on the Ocean

Momma and Friday's birthday boy on a better day than today!
Photo courtesy of the lovely Jennifer Duskey

I have been writing this post in my head all day, but words escape me now. I do know I've had one of those days where I've wanted to step outside of myself. I've wanted to get away from myself, my troubles. I've wanted to be somebody else.

I've never loved you, January. Never.

In the past five days, this house has seen a burst ear drum with four-day long dripping, three sore throats, a urinary tract infection and the stomach virus. On top of the endless laundry and dishes, there's a funky smell in the kitchen. I haven't found it yet. But I do admit to cleaning the fridge like a mad woman today on a crazy, sudden whim. Oh, and then I pulled the stove out all by myself to sweep up the dust bunnies in search of the offender. I've bleached the trashcan and the counter, twice. If I had it my way, I'd have enough time and energy this very second to be dissecting the mess under the sink, examining the contents of the freezer and prepping the whole kitchen for that beautiful shade of robin's-egg blue paint. But first, I must find that smell.

Alas, I'm sitting here, struggling to write. Because something has taken my mojo and left a funk instead. I'm feeling it at work, on the volleyball court, on this laptop. I've somehow allowed myself to be backed into this corner, where things seem a little more hopeless and out of my control.

But I'm turning a corner. I'm not going to take this lying down. I'm changing my mind right here and right now.

And I'm going to give a shout out to Zac Brown, who crooned to me earlier as I did the dishes for the third time today. He told me, yes me, that I'm not "the only ship out on the ocean." Furthermore, "Save your strength for things that you can change / Forgive the ones you can't / You gotta let 'em go."

I see you, January 24. And I bid you farewell!

The Glass is Half-Full

I've been feeling short-changed lately, and that is not a feeling I want to have. Big things and little things have been piling up, trying to make me less than grateful for the million good things in my life. And I am not going to let them!

Where did it start? Well, I had the week at home with Max and Colby, losing and finding my mind. Then I had a hectic Friday. The morning was a long OB appointment complete with a 4-D ultrasound, which was awesome! It's definitely a boy, and he is adorable! More on that later.

I then went to a jewelry store and used a gift certificate toward a little bling for myself. It was a gorgeous four-pearl pendant (one for each kid!) on a ball chain. I happily paid the difference. Unfortunately, the pendant had its own separate clasp, and I kept realizing throughout the weekend how insecure it was. I repeatedly found it, hooked it back on and stupidly kept wearing it, thinking I'd have it soldered first chance I got. What happened next? You got it: it fell off one final time sometime Sunday evening, and I have yet to find it.

After my jewelry store stop and a quick lunch on Friday, I had a meeting in Athens in the afternoon. It was stressful and a bit tense. And I got a parking ticket while I was there. After the meeting finally ended, I slipped the 4-D ultrasound CD in my computer at work, anxious to print more photos of my little man... It was blank! I tried to call the office, but they had closed early for the weekend.

So I head to the grocery store, spend too much, and decide I deserve a sweet tea from McD's. Of course, I didn't realize how old and rancid it tasted until I'd driven away.

By the time I got home, Shrek was aching to get on the road to his nephew's playoff football game. The kids were all in or near meltdown mode, and the groceries were cooking around me, waiting to be put away.

So even though the rest of the weekend went fairly well, and Max is finally feeling a bit better, I went into this Monday worried about returning to work after being gone a week. I felt shorter and less powerful somehow. (The weak, terrible coffee didn't help a thing.)

And that feeling persisted throughout my morning. I talked to a couple close colleagues about it, put my head down and charged into my to-do list. By lunch, I was smart enough to leave the office, buy a coffee (much better!) and a frozen pumpkin custard and then sit in the glorious Athens sunshine to enjoy them.

And that's when things started to look up. I got a message on my cell phone that a second ultrasound CD, promised functional, is waiting on me at the front desk at the doctor's office. While I haven't yet found that pearl pendant, I believe I will. One day of the three-day work week is down, some major tasks have been completed, and I no longer feel overwhelmed.

My house and my heart are full. I have what I need and what I want, even. I am lucky lucky lucky and thankful beyond belief. And I always believe, even when it feels like someone is trying to take me down, that the glass is half full. If I can't keep my optimism, I really won't make it in this crazy, tragic thing I call life.

Oh, and I did get one picture of my little darling, who is about to make this life more full, more lovely and more challenging. He really is adorable! (Please disregard the umbilical cord floating up around his neck and nose. I hope to show you even more amazing photos as soon as I get that CD!)

Hello, baby boy! We can't wait to meet you....

There's Still Time

I've discovered that an author whom I respect so much is 57. There's still time!!!! I might just be as famous and as bestselling as she is in 25 more years.

This is a welcome discovery on a day in which I have pined to do what I want to do for a profession, for a life. I can usually drive off the frustration of work in the hour it takes me to get home, but today, I still felt beat when I got here to my loves, my reasons.

I have to believe that I am doing the best I can, that, on some level, I am a Superwoman. So many of us mothers are. And if I could just wrangle that notion, that truth that floats upon the surface of American society, if I could muster enough sleep and energy and drive and selfishness to make it all click in my head and get it all down on paper, wow. Wouldn't that be something?

So, in spite of my financial worries, the cluelessness of some of the people with whom I spend part of my week, the injustices that are the realities of so many less fortunate, I'm going to keep plugging away at my life. I'm going to continue to do the best that I can, to make my small corner of the world a bright spot for my children and for those around me, and I'm going to hold on to my dreams.

All I ever have to be is what He made me.