Reasons

Photo by Jennifer Duskey Photography

Oh, my reasons. You are so beautiful. You make me laugh. You make me tired. I've had a wonderful week with all of you. We've killed several boxes of tissues; we've snuggled five across; we've welcomed Daddy home from work in party fashion.

Some of you have been sick. Not telling who, but the initials are Maxwell David. Mommy hopes that yellow goo coming from your left ear will abate soon. I know it hurts, baby. You have been so strong.

My journal is so behind. My diet is on the back burner. My job is changing. And I'm holding on.

I'm holding on to Daddy and to you and to dreams. All is well on this icy January eve. All I ever have to be is what He made me.

And, right now, I'm a very tired mommy aching for her bed.

Good night, loves.

Welcome, Lucas Anthony!

Here's our little man, Lucas Anthony Roberts! He is now five days old and doing well. We had a pretty good birth experience. It was not my best, by far, but it ended with a healthy momma and a healthy baby, and, for that, I am ever grateful.

Let me tell ya, it got a little scary in there! Lucas's umbilical cord was wedged between his head and the bottom of the uterine wall. While I dilated to nine and he tried to engage in the birth canal, his oxygen and blood supply were repeatedly cut off, causing alarming drops in his heart rate. Long story short, this champion VBAC mother (with two successful attempts) ended up in her second Cesarean section surgery. It was not ideal, and I was very upset at the time, but most of that was fear that I wouldn't deliver a healthy baby boy, while I certainly did. All my thanks and great love to the OB team for making the right decision when it needed to be made!

Here's a shot of Shrek and I getting our first glimpse of our little Luke.


I felt ROUGH at the time of the surgery but was lucky to have both my husband and sister in the operating room with me. They were such an awesome support team! Here's a photo of me with Luke after all my worst fears were dashed and my final, healthy babe was placed in my arms!


The kids had to wait until the next day to see him. They were thrilled with him both at at hospital and at home.


Unfortunately, Luke and I landed back in the hospital yesterday afternoon because of his bilirubin levels. I was quite surprised, as he is nursing well and none of the other kids have had trouble like this.


Suffice it to say that between the C-section and the looonnnnngggg night alone with Luke in the hospital, this mother warrior has risen. I am tired and recovering. But I surprise even myself with what I am able to do.

There's so much more to say, as I'm sure there will be countless times over the next few months. But, if you'll excuse me, I must go shower, catch a bit of sleep and nurse my new babe as much as possible so that we prevail victorious at tomorrow's follow-up bilirubin check. It feels very good to have all of my chicks in the nest here at home.

These are my reasons, and I couldn't be more proud!

Home Stretch

Ahhhh, the home stretch. I'm finally here. I'm officially on maternity leave. I just had to do it.

I'm 37 weeks tomorrow and hoping to get to the OB's office for my appointment and to schedule an induction (maybe for some time next week?) tomorrow before the snowstorm hits.

I really am feeling well, in spite of the pressure, back pain, killer heartburn and other assorted ailments. Mr. Colby is giving me a blessed week or two of very good sleep. The little man has decided, finally, he likes to be in his own crib all night! Mysteriously, he has woken up at 6:36 a.m. the last three days. Have you other moms experienced that deja vu? Each of my kids have gone through their own strange periods of waking at the EXACT time each day. How does that happen??

Anyway. I am on my way to the finish line here. My feelings are mixed in that I so love pregnancy, newborns and those early days and weeks of life. And this is it. This really is the final babe.

But I continually strive to keep my eyes, mind and heart wide open. I'm cataloguing moments. I'm achingly aware that this time of my life, with all its work, repetition and sheer exhaustion, might well be the time I will miss most as I age and as my children grow.

I am in the home stretch of my childbearing days. I am finishing chapters and beginning new ones.

My sincere thanks to Kristin Pottmeyer for helping me to preserve this time with the most gorgeous images I could have imagined. There are more to come, more family photos with the final, precious branch to be taken.

And I am ever sure that "these are my reasons."

A Self-Portrait

Well. It's been a long day. A long three days. I'd like to write, but I'm just not so sure I need to demand anything else out of this tired head.

Instead, I'm going to recycle something I wrote about 18 months ago (so I've had another child, etc.) Some of you have read this already. To me, it still feels like it really describes me, which means it must have all been true in the first place.

In a phrase, These Are My Reasons.

1. I grew up on a truck farm (peppers and tomatoes). It was a hard job but it gave me tremendous respect for my family and a kick-ass work ethic. I made minimum wage "plus a dime" ($4.35). All subsequent jobs have been incredibly easy and lucrative.

2. I was very close to my paternal grandfather, Bernard Strahler, who owned the big farm mentioned above. I've called him "the man of my life" and "the last American cowboy." I was holding his hand when he died in the spring of 1998, and I still miss him.

3. I've been through a lot in my life. There are things I wish wouldn't have happened, but they have played an integral role in who I am today. I am a very calm and centered person, and there isn't anything I can't handle now. After you've seen hell, life can be easy. You just have to decide to step away from hell.

4. I started writing in a "serious" journal the day after my 12th birthday. I'm now on journal #65. This time-consuming and simple hobby has taught me how to be my own best friend, and how to recognize and accept life lessons and the ebb-and-flow of life. I'm proud of my writing, and it's very cool to celebrate my journal anniversary the day after my birthday each year.

5. My earliest memory of my husband is watching him play basketball his senior year for the rival high school. I was only 12 years old and sitting with my friends in the "junior high section!"

6. My husband has taught me how to slow down a bit in life, that I don't have to run around the house like a chicken with my head cut off all the time. I firmly believe that we get better and better every day. I love you, baby!

7. I have two children --Lilith Jane and Maxwell David -- and am currently searching for names for Baby #3, due in June.

8. I always knew I wanted to be and would be a mother. I love motherhood and wouldn't trade it for the world.

9. I come from a family of strong women. We've been nicknamed "The Maggots" for our swarm of activity and noise, but a couple of us decided a couple of years ago (over wine) to change it to "The Magnets," because we stick together and when one of us falls down, the others pull her back up. I love these women dearly and wish we treated ourselves to nights out together more often.

10. I truly believe that my mother is an earth angel. She is such a wonderful person. She deserves the world.

11. I'm the second of four children, and I am very close to all of my siblings. We span seven years, but it was commonplace for all four of us to show up at the same parties and places growing up.

12. Family is the most important thing in my life. I have given up places, jobs, opportunities and trips for my family, and I don't regret a single decision. Life Lesson #1: It's not the places, it's the people.

13. I have an amazing group of friends from college -- actually from before college -- that I still rely on today. There are four women and four men in our group, and we've always called ourselves "The Bitches." It's been nearly 15 years, and I am convinced our friendships will go to the grave.

14. I used to get together much better with men than with women, at least in groups. I think that's leveling out a bit, as I now have more girl friends than boy friends. In high school, I consistently raised hell with the same four guys. Because of them, I bought and still own my own slingshot.

15. I firmly believe in God. I thank Him daily for good health, wonderful family, my home, my children and for giving me a sister, and I pray that He "helps us all to love one another better."

16. I work part-time in the Scripps College of Communication. I love my job. It's very busy and fulfilling most of the time. I love that working three days a week keeps me in the loop but also allows me to be the primary caregiver to my children.

17. I love coffee, pasta, cheese, mushrooms, tomato products, A&W root beer (especially with beef jerky) and cheap wine.

18. My favorite place in the world is Lake Tweet, a part of the old family farm now owned by my uncle who's a mere six years older than me. I've spent countless weekends there. Now that I live in "town" and have children, it's more important to me than ever. We spend nearly every weekend there from about April to October. We have a 30-foot camper that is truly our second home. If you're around, come out and join us for a campfire!

19. One weekend we aren't at Lake Tweet is the third weekend in July, when most of my camping family and friends are at Jamboree in the Hills. JITH is a blast! I've been going to Jamboree since 2001, but missed 2006 and will likely miss 2009 due to having a newborn about a month old. Ah, but I'll be back, old friend, I'll be back.

20. I've always loved my name, my birthday and, for the most part, my body. I feel like all of these things are uniquely me, and all have served me so well for more than 30 years.

21. I'm a huge country music fan, but I also LOVE the Indigo Girls. I've seen them in concert six times, and I'm not much of a concertgoer.

22. I would say my biggest fault is not being patient with people. I have a low tolerance for laziness, selfishness, stupidity and shallowness. Sorry.

23. All four of my grandparents died fairly young (all between the ages of 55 and 72) of various forms of cancer. While I try not to dwell on it, I am keenly aware of my genetics, and I live my life to the fullest.

24. EXCEPT I haven't yet written a book. I truly hope I get my act together on this one.

25. While I've been typing this, my unborn baby has been doing acrobatics in my womb. My husband just got to feel it for the first time. Life is good, and I am BLESSED!