Saturday, March 19, 2011

(Not) On My Own

For I am a rich woman, and these are only half of my millions....

Mommy's first foray into taking some time off didn't go so well last night. The mommy guilt got me once I got home with four unhappy kids, and there were tears. Some of them were mine. Lessons? Well. Hmm. Let's see... There are several. For right now, I'll just say once you have four kids, you just might not get much time off.

Motherhood is hard. Nursing motherhood is harder. It's tough to be the bottom line. Last night, I felt very singular in my disappointment and in my guilt. I'm a bit of a turtle when I'm feeling really defeated. I tend to withdraw inside myself and that pesky, yet useful instinct that I can and will do it all by myself comes out. I believe, at times, that I'm "on my own."

It didn't matter that my mom and brothers and a friend had all pitched in to give me some time to myself. It didn't matter that my hubby sat on the couch with me and the baby to talk it all out. In my mind, the night had proven to me that I was on my own.

So I let myself get sad. I gave it up to a higher power. And talking to Dave helped. Just being back on my familiar spot on the couch with the older kids asleep and the baby on my lap in the Boppy helped. And getting to bed at a decent time and waking up nestled next to a beautiful baby boy to a sunny day and hearing the familiar sounds of a mourning dove? Now that really helped.

The best thing about emotionally crashing is how good you feel once it's done. I have had a spring in my step today, a very glass-is-half-full kind of feeling. I'm getting great workouts, I'm eating well. I'm getting a little bit closer every day to believing that I can and will survive my return to work.

I enjoyed a nap today. Time with friends and family. A gorgeous walk with my sis and her birthday girl. I am so rich in so many ways.

And, even though there are times I feel as if I am on my own, I am not. I am the mother of four children, the wife of a loyal, stubborn man, one of very large family/tribe, and a child of God.

I will never be lonely, and, for that, I am thankful.

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