No Use Crying

Nope, not me. I'm not crying over forgetting to take breast milk to the sitter's house, wasted gasoline, liquid creamer all over the kitchen floor, a $119 speeding ticket or Lily getting on the wrong bus and coming home to an empty house. No, there is no use crying.

I did almost cry when I had a nice moment with a coworker this morning during which she asked me what God was telling me and I said, "To hang on."

And I did almost cry when I heard my crying girl over a neighbor's phone today, sobbing from hearing her mommy trying to reach her on the answering machine but not remembering, in the moment, that in order to talk on our new phones, you press a green button and not the center button.

I knew this year would be hard. First years with new babies always are. And guess what? This year is hard. Really hard. (Really.)

I'm fighting the urge to make changes... I won't make changes. I'll hang on and roll with the punches. I'll push on, and, soon, I'll look back to see the progress I've made.

And if I can keep this perspective, just get through the not-so-hot days, cherish the good days, and see that most days are both, at any given moment, I'll come out of this crazy thing a better person. I know the weather will improve--hopefully before we all grow fins--and these days will be infused with the Vitamin D I've been needing.

And there's no use crying. Unless, of course, I need to. Then I will. But no, not now. I'm good. =)

Desiderata

I bet some of you have been feeling a bit like I've been feeling. As in depressed, hopeless, dejected, trapped, bamboozled and sad. The rain, oh, the rain. It seems to stop long enough to give us one glorious spring day each week. And then there's the kick in the gut you get every time you fill up your gas tank. And the political mud-slinging on Facebook. Enough!

Today was our day of sunshine. I am trying hard to soak it up when I can and to change my mind about how doomed we are. Because while we have endless mud and puddles, others have homes destroyed by tornadoes. Some have lost loved ones. Still others are anxiously watching river levels and sandbagging to keep the floods out.

So I'm going to pull up. I'm going to dig deep, get some sleep, keep brainstorming about how I'm going to improve my lot and better myself. I'm going to keep it all in perspective, not allow myself to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'm going to love and love well. I'm going to remember the little people and trust in the Big Guy.

Days like these have me reaching for my favorite poem. God bless you, Max Ehrmann, for writing "Desiderata" in 1927. You and I would have been fine friends.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Homebound

Wow, it sure has been a rainy, lazy kind of day. It's fall slipping away, and the holidays settling in.

I'm still home from work with Max, who is doing better. He's getting harder to understand, though, if that is possible. And he's just now starting to feel well enough to have a slight attitude. Mainly he's a kid on drugs. Very strange acting. Drinking, but not eating. And man, does he love his momma! He wants me sitting, laying or snuggling with him on he couch all the time.

Mr. Colby, who I've been referring to as a monster, has his own ideas about how to help Max recover. He "kisses" with open-mouthed slobbers that Max insists are bites; he happily throws toys and has hit Max square in the head at least three times; and he likes to wake Max if he's feeling lonely. But today was much better than yesterday. Maybe it was the rain. Both boys took two-hour naps, and I joined in for about an hour and had lunch in peace before they woke up!

I also started my Christmas wrapping today. I think I got only seven or eight presents wrapped, but a little productiveness goes a long way sometimes.

Overall, I'm feeling peaceful and quiet. I feel myself transitioning along with the weather. Thanksgiving is next week already, and it feels like the calendar is full, or full enough for me.

Oh, and the monster broke my camera somehow, so I'm hoping it's back in time for all of the holiday business. Dave captured the perfect shot of me, asleep on the couch with my big belly, Colby asleep in my left arm and on my lap with a wayward sippy cup and my right arm resting on Max's sleeping figure. And if I had gotten a copy of that downloaded to the laptop before the camera quit working, it would be today's banner image. But, as it is, I think this early-morning shot Max captured of me a couple of months ago fits the bill.

I'm thankful today for so many things. Among them are sick leave, peace of mind, codeine and an awesome, warm house in which to ponder my life.

It's amazing.